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Ultima VII: The Black Gate/Serpent Isle > Cool Stuff & Humor > Katrina: A Boring Account

Katrina: A Boring Account Source: Paladia's Website

Katrina: A Boring Account

By: Paladia Dragon

(An office. Richard Garriott is leaning back in his chair, watching the U:A trailer played over and over and over again on a big screen. Mulder and Scully burst in.)
Mulder: You called for us, sir?
RG: Ahh, yes. Have a seat.
Scully: So you have an assignment for us?
RG: Yes. Here's the file. (Hands them a folder.)
Mulder: Hmmm.....
(They look at it.)
Mulder + Scully: WHAT?
RG: I was thinking our next game must make even more money than Diablo! So I was thinking of Katrina: The Gathering!
(Mulder and Scully groan.)
RG: We are going to show the fans EVERYTHING they ever wanted to know about Katrina! Where she sleeps! What she eats! Where she goes to the bathroom! Mulder: Ick! Who wants to know that?
RG: I-I mean, Sherry does!
(Sherry crawls out of a file cabinet.)
Sherry: I do not!
Scully: What's she doing here?
RG: She's my secretary.
Scully: Your secretary is a mouse?
RG: Well, we've had a few budget cuts lately...
Mulder: (Looking at a U8 box) I can see that!
Scully: It's not gonna work anyway. You know what they call her? The Bane of Bordom?
Mulder: The Diva of Dreariness?
Sherry: The Queen of Cliches?
RG: Whatever. I need you two to investigate her. Find out all that you can. Now, GO!

(New Magincia. Mulder and Scully are lying on a hill, looking at Katrina's hut through binoculars. Scully is wearing her usual outfit, but Mulder is wearing a pair of jeans and a T-Shirt saying "The Truth is Out There".)
Scully: (Looking at her watch, yawning) We've been here for two hours, and no sign of her!
Mulder: This is it! I'm going in! (Before Scully can protest, Mulder starts crawling towards the hut. He is halfway there when he feels something warm and skwishy under him. He looks down at his shirt, and it is covered in sheep dung!)
Mulder: GROSS!
(He takes his shirt off, flings it in Katrina's hut, and runs up the hill smiling at Scully. She gives him a high-5)
Mulder: (Laughing like hell) You'd better not put that in the report!
Scully: (Also laughing) I won't! I promise!
(They go back to looking at the hut, and suddenly Katrina walks out. She is wearing Mulder's shirt. It is still dirty. Mulder and Scully crack up.)
Mulder: Doesn't she have anything ELSE to wear?
Scully: Obviously not.
(Katrina whistles, and a flock of sheep trot in front of her. They sit down in a ring, looking up at her.)
Katrina: Hello, my children. Do you like my new shirt?
(The sheep nod in agreement)
Katrina: Thanks. Did I ever tell you about the time when the Avatar left me in Dungeon Despise? We were going to camp out, because I was too injured to go on, and Iolo was standing watch. He said he'd wake me up. But when I woke up, I found that not only had my companions gone, but so had my equipment! The nerve of some people.....
(The sheep BAA! in agreement, bobbing their heads up and down.)
Scully: This is starting to look as if it could go on for days....
Mulder: Oh, spare me.....
(It is late evening.)
Katrina: And then he left me AGAIN! This time in the middle of nowhere! I didn't know how to get home, because New Magincia is an island, and I was in the Dry Lands, so I swam!
(Scully is taking detailed notes, Mulder is searching the sky for UFOs.)
Mulder: I think I see one!
Scully: Stop it, Mulder. There are no such things as aliens.
(A Kilrathi ship enters the atmosphere, and into the ocean.)
Mulder: WOW! Did you see that, Scully? A real alien ship!!!
Scully: Yeah, yeah, Mulder. Believe what ever you want....
Mulder: No, this time it's real!
Scully: Whatever.
(Candice, the pink water girl, walks up to them.)
Candice: Would you like some water?
Scully and Mulder: (Singing like the coach in the Waterboy) Water sucks! It really really sucks! Water sucks! It really really sucks!....
Candice: (Like a little girl) You people are wieeeeerd!
Mulder: No! You're wierd!
Scully: Get a real job and some sunscreen!
(Candice runs away crying. Mulder and Scully shrug. Katrina goes back in the hut.)
Scully: Now I can prove my theory!
Mulder: What theory?
Scully: That Katrina is a drug addict!
Mulder: Hmm. And what did you base that theory on?
Scully: Nothing. I just want an excuse to search her house.
(They creep up to the house. They peek inside to see a small cot, where Katrina is snoring.)
Scully: (Whispering) If the Avatar and the Companions could leave her in a dungeon where everything echoes, we can get in there without waking her up.
Mulder: Brilliant!
(They sneak in. There is barely enough room for one person, much less THREE. Mulder bumps into a large box. He and Scully open it slowly and gasp in surprise when they see what's inside.)
Scully: (Holding up a poorly-made Beanie Baby) Look at this, Mulder! She's a counterfiet Beanie Baby dealer! This is better than drugs!
Mulder: She's not a dealer, she's a collector.
Scully: How can you tell?
Mulder: Well, first there are the recipts.... (Holds up recipts for the Beanie Babies with obscene amounts of money printed on them) ...then there's the fact that not only the Beanie Babies are counterfiet, they're also COMMON. Not only that, who would buy them on this godforsaken island?!
Scully: There goes our story.....
(They try to search the rest of the house but there is nothing left to search)
Mulder: (sarcastic) Look on the bright side. Tomorrow we can interview her.

The Next Day...
(Mulder and Scully are talking to Katrina. They look bored.)
Katrina: And a year later, Lord British had a great party in his castle! AND I WASN'T EVEN INVITED! The nerve of that man!
Mulder: Uhh, can you tell us anything that can be turned into a computer game?
Katrina: Why sure I can, Sonny! It was ages ago.... and I gave Henry a locket, and the bloke LOST IT! So the Avatar...
Scully: What gamer in their right mind would care?
(Katrina looks hurt. Scully pulls Mulder aside.)
Scully: This is going nowhere.
Mulder: Let's ditch.
(They run into The Modest Damsel. The place is empty, save for the bartender, a passed-out farmer, and a sheep that looks like Yoda.)
Scully: Who should we interview first?
Mulder: The sheep. It looks the most intelligent.
(They walk up to the sheep.)
Scully: Uhh, hello. We'd like to ask you a few questions, if you don't mind....
Sheep: Mind I do not. Ask you may.
Mulder: Uh.... what is your name?
Sheep: Yoda I am. Your name what is?
Scully: I am Special Agent Scully and that is Special Agent Mulder. We are interested in Katrina.
Sheep: Baa! Baa! Baa! Baaramewe!
(Scully looks at Mulder, who is whacking the sheep with a newspaper. The sheep explodes.)
Scully: MULDER!
Mulder: Sorry, I saw that in Warcraft II and wondered if it would happen here....
(Scully mutters something and shakes her head.)
Scully: Wait, Mulder, I have a plan! LB said to find info, but he never said it had to be TRUE....
Mulder: (Like Mr. Burns from the Simpsons) Excellent!

Epiloge: Katrina The Gathering Trailer.......
Announcer: She's mean. She's tough. And she counterfiets Beanie Babies!
(Cut to a tough looking Katrina, young, slim, and looking amazingly like Lara Croft.)
She's Katrina! And she will stop at nothing to save the world from the most evil beings in the universe- the Companions!
(Cut to a shot of Dupre, Shamino, and Iolo looking really EVIL.)
And their vicious, power-hungry leader, THE AVATAR!
(Cut to a sinister looking Avatar. Katrina enters and pumps him full of lead.)
Witness the excitement as she jumps from level to level, killing things and solving puzzles!
(Cut to Katrina in fromt of a preschooler's block puzzle. She scratches her head, concentrating.)
Katrina the Gathering- in stores now.
(Cut to Katrina pointing in an Uncle Sam-like fashion.)

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